A Red Toyota and Original Sin
The blurry line between clinical OCD and sinful scrupulosity
This is a two-page letter I wrote on Sunday, February 2, 2025 at 7:30 PM in black pen on an 8x10 “Vintage Hotels” note pad.
Page 1
Dear Lord,
Perhaps we are meant to have take care of this car 33-year old wine red Toyota. But I’m not sure.
Last night we I had dinner w/ C + A, C and A. C + A first baby due in 4 months. They - she - seems stressed about selling the car and doing it service. It was her Dad’s car - he passed last year. Her brother posted a funny ad probably overselling it w/ a high price and she posted another more precise, probably underselling it and a low price. The meaning of this 1992 Toyota for her Dad, his family. Our birth year as you know! C + I went to Junior Kindergarten together!
It’s a 1992 Toyota Hilux 4Runner, imported from Japan, right hand drive. We came back from games night… one sec, here’s a photo!
[box for photo of us]
We took this to send to our other classmate who just had their first baby 6 months ago! Why did he come up? I don’t remember!
We came back from the arcade night and I fell asleep on the couch at 1230. I woke up at 230 or 330 … and this thought idea was there waiting for me: I can buy this car. You’ve blessed me with the savings and though I told them Uncle Gary could work on it in his retirement, maybe it’s for Dad who is looking searching for purpose in his upcoming retirement he keeps ruminating, pondering, fighting. Dad + I don’t know cars… and I should if I’m meant to be the married man of the house one day! I can’t change a tire and don’t know an exhaust pipe from a wiper fluid one.
Back side of page 1
I couldn’t sleep after that thought again, for third night in a row an exciting mission related thought kept playing, refining itself in my head. How might I write communicate this? The lights at the arcade were bright, and the electromagnetic field. Stephen and our Twitter friends alerted me too…. maybe I have a sensitivity + the anxiety is part that + not all borderline superstition / OCD line I told Father I wasn’t sure should confess last Sunday. Anyway, that unexpected discovery this week seems like you! … but I digress… I couldn’t sleep. I wrote something like this thought in my mind:
— “Hey A, nice seeing you last night. You can tell C we’ll buy the her Dad’s car for the $X-Yk you wanted. Just pending a run by our family friend mechanic. If he says it’s worth more we’ll give you that too. And one more thing!
Just don’t sell it yet today :D … We’ll chat this week if that sounds good to you guys.
Sorry one sec, Dad just walked into the kitchen to cut chicken and I picked up the candle to leave for quiet + burnt my hand
[photo]
Perhaps we can use bitcoin. We’ll give them [number]k in CAD and 1 million sats, Yk. Or what about [number]k, [number]k. Dad I and split it [number]k [number]k, [number]k in sats. No, 1 million sats for all our missions seems nice. It’s not going too much + we can spread the education more even if we do get outside funding/benefactors!
But will they like bitcoin? [number]k seems too much. Maybe I’ll just start w/ playing basketball w/ A + getting to know them better.
But the car + the thought! I can’t sleep! Haha!
Page 2
[number]k, [number]k (1 million) seems nice. I’ll get A’s number and text him when I wake up. Even though it’s Sunday… tho doesn’t feel that much like work.
But I woke up and went on the forest walk — how beautiful the fresh snow — and felt no! I shouldn’t. Even though the car may “get away” w/ the potential buyer they had coming to see it today. Oh yeah… just looked back at desc… it’s a diesel baby! In past times I would force this to not lose it. It would be my will that way it seems. Letting go control of the outcomes is hard. →
( I looked at what the car looked like on Google after doing my examination of conscience after the walk. I didn’t “get excited.” It’s not flashy… not sure I thought it would be. It reminds me of Fr. Michael’s old red camry. I also found the brother’s ad they were teasing. LOL! ♡ It’s actually great, [illegible] to sell it that way [number]k build up the story! [embed story text?])
→ But now, the right that to do is wait today! I asked C for A’s number. Good.
If you want us to take care of this car, and take a spiritual emotional load off C + family, she can drive it if she wants if we buy it, if you want us to have it, it will be there tmrw. How nice + can trust You with small things like this! Mission 3 it’d be.
Or maybe nothing. Would be a lot of work to sell our car for garage space …
Back of page 2
… C’s Dad didn’t keep it in the snow. It doesn’t start in the cold they said iirc. Maybe I focus more on pure BTC mission… Helping C + A seems lovely though!
I’ll text them tmrw “Hey A, it’s DJ. Nice hanging last night.”
“Did you end up selling the car How did the car showing go yesterday?
One sec Dad asking me a q about an exorcism movie (Fr. Ignazio)
Okay. “How did it go?”
Then if it’s there still maybe we’ll buy it. It’d be nice if 10% btc of the Yk can go up to X-Yk again in 5 years, 10 years or something. Right, we’ll put a holding period on it in the buy offer! This is a hidden mix of charity, maybe Jack will say it is worth Xk but we can give the sats still!
“Why are you writing in the dark for?” -Dad
“You’re like a monk!”
Not sure if we can run an official foundation like this mixing in donations with old Toyotas. But this feels prudent + nice!
Maybe it won’t be there tmrw. I enjoyed writing You this under 4 candles, 2 blown out (blessed), 2 regular I think. I would love to rest tonight! I didn’t do any, much screens today so perhaps that is it … part of it!
See you tomorrow.
Love, David (do I write “Love”? …seems kind of cringe but I do! Choice — Love = will good of other = do Your Will! Bye!
02.02.25.
Crawling down the side of the page in blue pen
Also Meant to write this somewhere… How fitting might it be for my 33rd birthday!
P.S. Oh yeah, forgot. I wonder if C’s Dad is Catholic. Polish! Please pray from him and for C + A + baby on the way! We went to St. high school, grade schools!
On a purple post it in black pen
Is it a sin to publish this If I write it on a Sunday + took pictures … knowing it might be … probably will be published. But I was in “the zone” … wrote Dear Lord second line. Is this scrupulosity, OCD? Ask: friends or priest.
On same purpose post it crawling around edges in blue pen
…I can feel some of the anxiety / shortness of breath /rumination coming on. Stop in tracks. Brain Lock process. Ye Cloud… restless → rosary —> What a gift!!
On back of same post it in blue pen
good approved book?
__________________
Stop.
Recognize — obsessive thoughts
R———: Chemical imbalance. Original sin… my Cross
Refocus: The Sanctifier
↓
Revalue later (tmrw?)
I will not come back to this paper.
Post update (Monday, March 3, 2025):
On the truck: the last photo in the first gallery above says the car showing to the buyer they had arranged went well, and that they’re negotiating a price. So no truck purchase on my part.
For those struggling with obsessive thoughts: A kind subscriber friend checked in on me after he read this post. Here’s a message I wrote to him, that I write here to warn readers who struggle with similar: “The best way to address [obsessive thoughts for me] seems to be prevention, so limited phone and computer and screen time. It appears to be a mix of physical (blue light, electromagnetic waves, long periods of mental work) and emotional (social media) or something.” A few days after I penned these four pages above, I got quite sick for a week. The Lord suggested I pause, and I chose to avoid work and device time for days. Very quickly, I slept through the night and the obsessive thoughts went away. Since getting healthy again, if I moderate work and device time during the day, and I shut off the computer before sunset, I have not had problems sleeping and — there was one day I thought I could “cheat” and work until 9 PM, but I slept poorly that night and the next day was harder physically, emotionally, spiritually. Take heed of my errors and sins against moderation! Posting on short-form social media (predominantly X) I’ve kept cut out even now healthy, so possibly a contributing factor for me as well.
This week updates:
X bio updated - made a website to show the simple decalogue of the lay person charism I’ve been following, intention to get the Sacraments primacy
Outline of 1-hour “Introduction to Bitcoin in the Faith” (title not finalized) done this week
Most viewed X post - this interaction with a Jack Dorsey post about thinking, which helped generated 14 profile visits that day
Have a nice weekend friends. God Bless. If you can, please pray for the two couples at the top, including the little one on the way, and me in my struggles here.